Sage Lewis

So this is the big one. This is the one that actually controls my life. When I’m weak and insecure, I add a little possible outside disdain and I just crumble. It is my Achilles heal, my kryptonite. It is the iconic archetype of weakness in my life.

Why am I telling you all this? I have a belief that if you can name something, if you get something out into the light, it suddenly isn’t as bad as it seems. Plus, I’m too cheap to go to a therapist and I really like removing hierarchy from everything in life. So, I’ll let the collective “you” be my therapist.
I realize that I probably can’t fix the single most sensitive issue of my life in a day. But I can definitely start working on it.

What’s the worst case scenario if someone is mad at me?

Well, let’s see. I’ll do something by mistake that either hurts someone emotionally (or god forsake physically) and then they will be injured. They will be hurting and they’ll blame me. Their pain will be my fault. They’ll be out there upset and seithing that I wronged them. I have upset their life. I screwed it up. I think actually, this concerns me more with people that aren’t in my closest circle of friends and family. I’m not totally sure that’s true. But I think the most painful times are when I think I’ve wronged someone that is a casual acquaintence.

Now here’s the reality of all that. Who gives a crap? Granted, if you phyisically hurt someone, that’s a bit of a different story. But have you ever actually physically hurt someone? I don’t know that has ever really happened. Many times when I’m concerned I’ve upset someone, I often haven’t. It has all been in my mind. I’ve been the one upset. They have just gone on with their life. I bet there have also been times when I’ve wronged someone, they’ve been upset and I didn’t even know it. So, my judgement of when I’ve hurt someone is not that great. Also, people make mistakes! Cut yourself some slack, Sage. You aren’t perfect. You are a human being. You care about people. You want to be helpful and kind. That’s your nature. If you slip up and say something that upsets someone, let it go. You made a mistake. There rarely will be some major fall out. And even if there is some major fall out, you are a master negotiator. You can make things alright.

Why do I feel this way?
Is it because I want others to be sensitive to my feelings so I’m hypersensitive to theirs? That could be. I am obsessed with empathy. It’s probably because I want people to return the favor. I know that people are either empathetic or not. And what’s worse, if they aren’t empathetic, they won’t know that I’m being empathetic. So all my concern will fall of deaf ears. The psycho analyst in me says that I probably wanted my dad to be more understanding of the feelings of a 7 year old before he left. That is the big day in my life, after all. 1979, when I was 7. I always felt that day gave me Responsibility, which is my greatest strength. But now that I think about it, it also gave me an obsessive people pleasing characteristic.

Here’s  some good news already. Apparently there’s a bunch of web sites out there all about people pleasing. So already you have helped me out. I’m going to read up on this some more.

I have been thinking a lot about fear recently. I guess mostly the reason I’ve been thinking about it is that I’ve been feeling afraid. It’s been general fear. Not fearful of one particular thing just afraid for afraid’s sake.

As I started to think about fear, I realized that I’m actually a fearful person. One of the biggest deciding factors of quiting drinking was the intense fear I would feel after a hard night of drinking. I was afraid of what I said, who I embarrased, who I got angry. It just freaked me out.

I know what my A #1 fear is. I’ve always known it. I’m dreadfully afraid of what people think of me. The funny think is, though, everytime those words come out of my mouth or are written down, I know how absolutely rediculous that is. What the hell do I care what people think of me? I run my business different than everyone tells me to. I went to college different than everyone told me to. I do exactly what I want, when I want. I guess, though, that kind of thing doesn’t scare me. I don’t mind people thinking that I’m unusual. I’ve always kind of relished in that. My big fear is that someone is going to be angry at me. They are going around stewing at something I did. I hate the idea of people not liking me.

So, that’s my major hang up. I don’t want people to be angry at me.

As I considered this, however, I realized that I’m actually afraid of many, many things. Most of these things I don’t even really realize that I’m afraid of. So, I wanted to start a list of these things. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do with this list. But I guess a list is a good place to start.

Here we go:

• I’m afraid when people might be angry at me.
• I’m afraid of failing at business.
• I’m afraid of failing at marriage.
• I’m afraid of failing at fatherhood.
• I’m afraid of getting fat again
• I’m afraid of being hungry to lose weight.
• I’m afraid of starting smoking again.
• I’m afraid Rocco will bite Indy.
• I’m afraid Indiana’s other kidney will get bad.
• I’m afraid Indy will seriously injure himself.
• I’m afraid I won’t be able to grow SageRock well.
• I’m afraid I will be a poor leader.
• I’m afraid of getting a cold.
• I’m afraid of throwing up.
• I’m afraid I’ll get cancer.

See. I told you I was afraid.

I’ll keep adding to the list if I think of others. I’m sure there are many more. I’ll come back when I’m good and scared.

My next step here, I think, is to start working in these fears. My thought is, if I start submerging myself in these I can start loosening their grip on my life.